Don't judge me!

I have been quietly observing people and their reactions to situations, comments, and appearance of things lately. And what I have observed is shocking! Judgment!!!! Why is it so easy to judge before we love? Judge before we pray? Judge before we really know the root of the issue? God has been working in me for the past few months about not being so quick to judge! This blog 100% relates to infertility, adoption, and those going through it....but also in our everyday lives and relationships. I have been in numerous situations where if there is any one person who knows what I have been through I am automatically the center of conversation, questions, and judgment! I understand their curiosity or whatever it may be but it is still very hurtful. I am automatically judged as less than a woman, she can't relate, and so on and so on. I have actually had people be so cruel as to tell me how 'lucky' I am that I didn't ever go through pregnancy, and delivery!!! I understand that they may not have had a pleasant experience, but don't be so quick to judge that everyone will share that feeling! Those kinds of comments make it hard for me to not be judgmental towards them! I just don't understand why I can't just be a mother of two beautiful children who has alot of the same challenges and victories as the rest of the mothers in the world?! Because at the end of the day...that is what it is! I don't know where this 'label' comes from, or how I got it, but I don't like it! People always pry into details of my life, or my children's lives, and just want a juicy tid bit of information to talk about. STOP!!! It doesn't matter about all the how's and why's of ANY situation....let's deal with the facts...I am a mother, same as you and the next person, and that is one label I will never get tired of! The best is when we take a tid bit of the information we pried out of a conversation, and then go and tell others! So by doing this my children get judged! See the cycle forming here?! Prejudice came from pre-judging! It means judging BEFORE you know what you're talking about! So when you see me, if you have questions about our experiences, please email me, call me, or we can meet somewhere and talk about it. That's all I ask...I believe that would be called respect.
"You then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will ALL stand before God's judgment seat." Romans 14:10

Unexpected Loss

I am so sorry it has been so long since my last post...life has been crazy to say the least! I'm back in the swing of things now and hope to make more time to blog! Recently I have been hit with a lot of unexpected loss, or those I care about have been hit with it, and the bottom line...it just sucks! I'm not going to get all "churchy" on you and say that God can use your loss for good, and there is a reason for it, and He will make something beautiful come out of it....but I will share with you how He has used my losses for His good, His glory and He has made me glad through it all! With any loss I believe everyone goes through all the stages of grieving. While some of us can fly through them and seem to move on, some of us can't get past the denial or the anger. I will admit I am one of the latter. I have experienced more loss in the past few months than I ever thought one could endure. While I wallowed in my anger and denial, God was working in me, gently and lovingly guiding me back to where He wants me to be. He has taught me things about myself, my husband, my family, my friends and my children that I was either too blind or too dumb to see before now. While I have been angry, hurt, and broken for months, He has been working in me to understand what He wants to give me...if I am willing to accept it. His LOVE! While I know I am still a work in progress, and I still have my struggles and hard times, I know these things to be true: God loves me, God wants to be a part of my life, God wants me to know Him, God wants to shower me with His blessings and love...ME! Why me? I haven't done anything even remotely close to deserving His love, His acceptence, or His grace...but He gives it freely to me! WOW!!!! Go back and re read that if you have to...He wants the same from you! God, the creator of the universe, the Savior of the world, the one who held the Earth in His hands, the one who died for ME....wow! He doesn't want us to hurt, or be angry or be sad...or so heartbroken that we can't even see straight...but sometimes He allows us to experience those losses, so we can get a better picture of His love, and His perfect plan for our lives. We have lost two children, one before our adoptions, and one after. I don't think there is ever a greater hurt, or greater loss, than that of a child. But I can look back at our lives then and look at them now, and I can HONESTLY say that the Lord knew EXACTLY what He was doing when He allowed us to experience those losses. Even though I am still trying, in my small little worldly mind, to make sense of the recent losses I can already see the glimmer of hope that is in Christ Jesus, through these losses! He will make your heart new, if you let Him, and He will comfort and sustain you! "Surely God is my help, the Lord is the one who sustains me." Psalm 54:4

Holiday Cheer...yeah right!!!!

For many years the holidays were really hard. Nothing seemed to bring me the "holiday cheer" everyone else had. At Thanksgiving it was hard to find something to be thankful for, even though I knew I had SO much to be thankful for, my heart was aching for a child. At Christmas putting up the tree, the stockings and wrapping presents was not something I looked forward to. Instead it was hard for me to do. Because I knew there wouldn't be a child for me to share all the joys with. This is the time of year that makes me cry the most, I used to cry because it hurt so deeply to think about another year past and no baby. And now I cry at almost any Christmas song, Christmas eve service at church, and especially Christmas morning...oh how I longed for this! Most people don't understand the emotional toll it takes to have to have "holiday cheer" when all you want, you know you can't have. The last Christmas I spent crying from a broken heart was in 2003, but even today I remember all the thoughts and hurts from those times. I don't think it's ever something I will forget. Although now I shed tears of joy, I will never forget to pray for all the women dealing with the same emotions and issues that "holiday cheer" brings. "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit." Proverbs 15:13

How do I deal?

I have been bombarded lately with women "complaining" about an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy, and it's hard to deal with. I wish I had some words of advice about how to deal with the flood of emotions that this causes...but I don't. I don't even know how to deal with it. I know that God has a plan for EVERY baby that He creates, and for every mother that carries that child...but to hear the complaints, or the attitudes just cuts pretty deep. I would not trade my children for the world, but to hear all the griping, just makes me jealous, angry, and hurt at all that I missed out on. Yes, I got to a point where I had to decide if I wanted a pregnancy, or a family. I chose a family and wouldn't have it any other way! But I never got to have the joy of the "plus" sign, or 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test, hearing the heartbeat, seeing my child on an ultra sound, breastfeeding, etc. And then to hear people complain about it, man it just hurts. It has been almost 9 years since I lost my battle with infertility and truly became forever infertile. And I am ok with that, I have my precious babies, but I didn't get the joy of what these people are complaining about! People need to realize not everyone can sit back and get pregnant without a care in the world. And yes I know not everyone battles with infertility, but I think we should all be considerate of others feelings. You don't always know what each individual is dealing with. "He will help you who are troubled. And He will also help us" 2 Thessalonians 1:7

I must be guilty!

I have to be guilty of something, but I don't know what I did to deserve this?! How many times have you said that, or thought that? I know it was a thought that went through my head several times during the day. Most people have no idea what a toll infertility takes not only on your body, but your mind, your heart, your everything!!! I remember playing my life out day by day in my head and thinking that I must have done something to deserve this punishment. And then I would turn on the news and see a story where a child had been beaten, or found in a dumpster, or abandoned. And I would be heartbroken and furious with God all at the same time! Why would He bless those crazy people with a baby, but not me? I would never ever do anything like that. I would've loved that baby, cared for that baby and never let anyone hurt that baby. So why am I be punished? The reality is infertility is not a punishment for something we have done wrong. My infertility was caused by something that was totally out of my control. It wasn't my fault! But I didn't know that at the time, not until I had several operations that ended my ability to ever have a child grow inside me. But the cause for the surgeries had nothing to do with anything I had done. Honestly I was relieved, I wasn't guilty of anything!!!! God had His plans for my children designed the way He knew would be best for them. I always told myself that if I ever had children I would be the best mother ever. God has brought me to a place where I know He designed my kids, and the events leading up to our adoptions specifically for ME! Had it not been for the infertility I couldn't be the mother to my children that I am. I'm not perfect, but God chose me because I was perfect for my children! When you start feeling guilty, pray, read God's word, and call and talk to someone who has been there. When you finally get to your perfect child(ren) it will all make sense. I pray for all the women battling infertility frequently. It's not something that ever truly goes away, but good WILL come out of it! "Therefore, there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

It's just not fair!

I know we have all heard a million and one times that life isn't fair....and it's true! There were somethings I went through as a child that I thought had "damaged" me forever! Today I got the confirmation that I needed that even though I know what happened to me was NOT what God wanted to happen...but that He can use even that for His glory!!!! Wow! It was very humbling to me today when the Lord spoke these words to me..."I brought you to a place where I could use you the most" it had dawned on me before and I always knew that God had a plan in all of our desires and struggles to be a family, but I have to admit I didn't always take comfort in that, because I couldn't see how! And then when everything fell into place, I was in absolute awe of what a mighty God we serve! And then today it was affirmed to me again that God specifically designed MY children for ME!!! He knew the plan He had, and He knew what my children needed in a mother and father and I am so humbled that He chose us! It may take time, trials, and lots of turmoil to get to the place where the Lord wants you, but once you are there it is amazing! I still don't know what God has in store for us, or our children all I know is I am so blessed to have them, and to know that God is using me on a daily basis. Not just as a mama and a caregiver, but as a mentor, a light in the darkness, and that He is using what I went through as a child to minister to them!!! I never thought anything good would ever come out of the trauma I experienced as a young girl, or out of our battle with infertility...man has He proved me wrong!!!! The moral of this story is, hang in there, hold tight to Jesus, trust in HIS plan, and sit back and enjoy getting your butt handed to you by the Lord!!!! He will come through, He will make something more beautiful than you ever imagined come out of this, I am living proof!!!!
"...There you will be rescued, there the Lord will redeem you from the power of your enemies!" Micah 4:10

Words are hurtful...

It is still hard for me to come to grips with women who constantly complain about their pregnancy, their children, breastfeeding, how much work it is to be a mother, etc. While I do not ever expect the world to revolve around me and my feelings, it is hard because I sit back and think "gosh I would've cut off my right arm to be able to have those 'problems'! Words are very powerful, and can cut you to the core! It seems that anytime a group of women get together there are two things we/they talk about...1. pregnancy/childbirth 2. husbands! Now the second one I can relate to, but the first one just cuts me! While I usually sit silently and listen to the "complaints" I want to slap everyone of them and scream at the top of my lungs!!! And then they will start asking me questions and either I am in a position to tell my whole life story, or I am in a position to lie so as not to be the "different" one! I know some very good mothers who I know love their children more than life itself, but still treat me like I am not as worthy to be a mother as they are. I still don't tell many people that my children are adopted. Not that I am ashamed of it at all...it was the biggest blessing I could have ever recieved. But because other women just look at me and think I can't relate. Or they want to know every single detail of my children, and their history and it is none of their business!!! It's a hard position to be in, so most of the time I stay silent and try and avoid the topic. My children grew inside of me just as much as the next persons...they grew in my heart! but most people just don't understand! And then to hear mother's say things about their children, and how they just can't wait for them to go to school, or daycare, or leave them with a sitter every chance they get, again I want to slap them silly! Alot of people just don't understand what a blessing their children are! My kids are my world, but there is also alot that comes with having children who are not biologically linked to you. Medical history, disorders that run in the family, questions the children ask, etc. I will never ever regret how my children came to be mine, they were hand picked by God Himself for me!!! I just wish people would have more respect for others feelings! Children are a blessing, especially mine!
"....They must consider the needs of others. They must be kind and gentle toward all people." Titus 3:2