Monday, November 29, 2010

Holiday Cheer...yeah right!!!!

For many years the holidays were really hard. Nothing seemed to bring me the "holiday cheer" everyone else had. At Thanksgiving it was hard to find something to be thankful for, even though I knew I had SO much to be thankful for, my heart was aching for a child. At Christmas putting up the tree, the stockings and wrapping presents was not something I looked forward to. Instead it was hard for me to do. Because I knew there wouldn't be a child for me to share all the joys with. This is the time of year that makes me cry the most, I used to cry because it hurt so deeply to think about another year past and no baby. And now I cry at almost any Christmas song, Christmas eve service at church, and especially Christmas morning...oh how I longed for this! Most people don't understand the emotional toll it takes to have to have "holiday cheer" when all you want, you know you can't have. The last Christmas I spent crying from a broken heart was in 2003, but even today I remember all the thoughts and hurts from those times. I don't think it's ever something I will forget. Although now I shed tears of joy, I will never forget to pray for all the women dealing with the same emotions and issues that "holiday cheer" brings. "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit." Proverbs 15:13

Monday, November 8, 2010

How do I deal?

I have been bombarded lately with women "complaining" about an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy, and it's hard to deal with. I wish I had some words of advice about how to deal with the flood of emotions that this causes...but I don't. I don't even know how to deal with it. I know that God has a plan for EVERY baby that He creates, and for every mother that carries that child...but to hear the complaints, or the attitudes just cuts pretty deep. I would not trade my children for the world, but to hear all the griping, just makes me jealous, angry, and hurt at all that I missed out on. Yes, I got to a point where I had to decide if I wanted a pregnancy, or a family. I chose a family and wouldn't have it any other way! But I never got to have the joy of the "plus" sign, or 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test, hearing the heartbeat, seeing my child on an ultra sound, breastfeeding, etc. And then to hear people complain about it, man it just hurts. It has been almost 9 years since I lost my battle with infertility and truly became forever infertile. And I am ok with that, I have my precious babies, but I didn't get the joy of what these people are complaining about! People need to realize not everyone can sit back and get pregnant without a care in the world. And yes I know not everyone battles with infertility, but I think we should all be considerate of others feelings. You don't always know what each individual is dealing with. "He will help you who are troubled. And He will also help us" 2 Thessalonians 1:7

Saturday, November 6, 2010

I must be guilty!

I have to be guilty of something, but I don't know what I did to deserve this?! How many times have you said that, or thought that? I know it was a thought that went through my head several times during the day. Most people have no idea what a toll infertility takes not only on your body, but your mind, your heart, your everything!!! I remember playing my life out day by day in my head and thinking that I must have done something to deserve this punishment. And then I would turn on the news and see a story where a child had been beaten, or found in a dumpster, or abandoned. And I would be heartbroken and furious with God all at the same time! Why would He bless those crazy people with a baby, but not me? I would never ever do anything like that. I would've loved that baby, cared for that baby and never let anyone hurt that baby. So why am I be punished? The reality is infertility is not a punishment for something we have done wrong. My infertility was caused by something that was totally out of my control. It wasn't my fault! But I didn't know that at the time, not until I had several operations that ended my ability to ever have a child grow inside me. But the cause for the surgeries had nothing to do with anything I had done. Honestly I was relieved, I wasn't guilty of anything!!!! God had His plans for my children designed the way He knew would be best for them. I always told myself that if I ever had children I would be the best mother ever. God has brought me to a place where I know He designed my kids, and the events leading up to our adoptions specifically for ME! Had it not been for the infertility I couldn't be the mother to my children that I am. I'm not perfect, but God chose me because I was perfect for my children! When you start feeling guilty, pray, read God's word, and call and talk to someone who has been there. When you finally get to your perfect child(ren) it will all make sense. I pray for all the women battling infertility frequently. It's not something that ever truly goes away, but good WILL come out of it! "Therefore, there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1