Holiday Cheer...yeah right!!!!

For many years the holidays were really hard. Nothing seemed to bring me the "holiday cheer" everyone else had. At Thanksgiving it was hard to find something to be thankful for, even though I knew I had SO much to be thankful for, my heart was aching for a child. At Christmas putting up the tree, the stockings and wrapping presents was not something I looked forward to. Instead it was hard for me to do. Because I knew there wouldn't be a child for me to share all the joys with. This is the time of year that makes me cry the most, I used to cry because it hurt so deeply to think about another year past and no baby. And now I cry at almost any Christmas song, Christmas eve service at church, and especially Christmas morning...oh how I longed for this! Most people don't understand the emotional toll it takes to have to have "holiday cheer" when all you want, you know you can't have. The last Christmas I spent crying from a broken heart was in 2003, but even today I remember all the thoughts and hurts from those times. I don't think it's ever something I will forget. Although now I shed tears of joy, I will never forget to pray for all the women dealing with the same emotions and issues that "holiday cheer" brings. "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit." Proverbs 15:13

How do I deal?

I have been bombarded lately with women "complaining" about an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy, and it's hard to deal with. I wish I had some words of advice about how to deal with the flood of emotions that this causes...but I don't. I don't even know how to deal with it. I know that God has a plan for EVERY baby that He creates, and for every mother that carries that child...but to hear the complaints, or the attitudes just cuts pretty deep. I would not trade my children for the world, but to hear all the griping, just makes me jealous, angry, and hurt at all that I missed out on. Yes, I got to a point where I had to decide if I wanted a pregnancy, or a family. I chose a family and wouldn't have it any other way! But I never got to have the joy of the "plus" sign, or 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test, hearing the heartbeat, seeing my child on an ultra sound, breastfeeding, etc. And then to hear people complain about it, man it just hurts. It has been almost 9 years since I lost my battle with infertility and truly became forever infertile. And I am ok with that, I have my precious babies, but I didn't get the joy of what these people are complaining about! People need to realize not everyone can sit back and get pregnant without a care in the world. And yes I know not everyone battles with infertility, but I think we should all be considerate of others feelings. You don't always know what each individual is dealing with. "He will help you who are troubled. And He will also help us" 2 Thessalonians 1:7

I must be guilty!

I have to be guilty of something, but I don't know what I did to deserve this?! How many times have you said that, or thought that? I know it was a thought that went through my head several times during the day. Most people have no idea what a toll infertility takes not only on your body, but your mind, your heart, your everything!!! I remember playing my life out day by day in my head and thinking that I must have done something to deserve this punishment. And then I would turn on the news and see a story where a child had been beaten, or found in a dumpster, or abandoned. And I would be heartbroken and furious with God all at the same time! Why would He bless those crazy people with a baby, but not me? I would never ever do anything like that. I would've loved that baby, cared for that baby and never let anyone hurt that baby. So why am I be punished? The reality is infertility is not a punishment for something we have done wrong. My infertility was caused by something that was totally out of my control. It wasn't my fault! But I didn't know that at the time, not until I had several operations that ended my ability to ever have a child grow inside me. But the cause for the surgeries had nothing to do with anything I had done. Honestly I was relieved, I wasn't guilty of anything!!!! God had His plans for my children designed the way He knew would be best for them. I always told myself that if I ever had children I would be the best mother ever. God has brought me to a place where I know He designed my kids, and the events leading up to our adoptions specifically for ME! Had it not been for the infertility I couldn't be the mother to my children that I am. I'm not perfect, but God chose me because I was perfect for my children! When you start feeling guilty, pray, read God's word, and call and talk to someone who has been there. When you finally get to your perfect child(ren) it will all make sense. I pray for all the women battling infertility frequently. It's not something that ever truly goes away, but good WILL come out of it! "Therefore, there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

It's just not fair!

I know we have all heard a million and one times that life isn't fair....and it's true! There were somethings I went through as a child that I thought had "damaged" me forever! Today I got the confirmation that I needed that even though I know what happened to me was NOT what God wanted to happen...but that He can use even that for His glory!!!! Wow! It was very humbling to me today when the Lord spoke these words to me..."I brought you to a place where I could use you the most" it had dawned on me before and I always knew that God had a plan in all of our desires and struggles to be a family, but I have to admit I didn't always take comfort in that, because I couldn't see how! And then when everything fell into place, I was in absolute awe of what a mighty God we serve! And then today it was affirmed to me again that God specifically designed MY children for ME!!! He knew the plan He had, and He knew what my children needed in a mother and father and I am so humbled that He chose us! It may take time, trials, and lots of turmoil to get to the place where the Lord wants you, but once you are there it is amazing! I still don't know what God has in store for us, or our children all I know is I am so blessed to have them, and to know that God is using me on a daily basis. Not just as a mama and a caregiver, but as a mentor, a light in the darkness, and that He is using what I went through as a child to minister to them!!! I never thought anything good would ever come out of the trauma I experienced as a young girl, or out of our battle with infertility...man has He proved me wrong!!!! The moral of this story is, hang in there, hold tight to Jesus, trust in HIS plan, and sit back and enjoy getting your butt handed to you by the Lord!!!! He will come through, He will make something more beautiful than you ever imagined come out of this, I am living proof!!!!
"...There you will be rescued, there the Lord will redeem you from the power of your enemies!" Micah 4:10

Words are hurtful...

It is still hard for me to come to grips with women who constantly complain about their pregnancy, their children, breastfeeding, how much work it is to be a mother, etc. While I do not ever expect the world to revolve around me and my feelings, it is hard because I sit back and think "gosh I would've cut off my right arm to be able to have those 'problems'! Words are very powerful, and can cut you to the core! It seems that anytime a group of women get together there are two things we/they talk about...1. pregnancy/childbirth 2. husbands! Now the second one I can relate to, but the first one just cuts me! While I usually sit silently and listen to the "complaints" I want to slap everyone of them and scream at the top of my lungs!!! And then they will start asking me questions and either I am in a position to tell my whole life story, or I am in a position to lie so as not to be the "different" one! I know some very good mothers who I know love their children more than life itself, but still treat me like I am not as worthy to be a mother as they are. I still don't tell many people that my children are adopted. Not that I am ashamed of it at all...it was the biggest blessing I could have ever recieved. But because other women just look at me and think I can't relate. Or they want to know every single detail of my children, and their history and it is none of their business!!! It's a hard position to be in, so most of the time I stay silent and try and avoid the topic. My children grew inside of me just as much as the next persons...they grew in my heart! but most people just don't understand! And then to hear mother's say things about their children, and how they just can't wait for them to go to school, or daycare, or leave them with a sitter every chance they get, again I want to slap them silly! Alot of people just don't understand what a blessing their children are! My kids are my world, but there is also alot that comes with having children who are not biologically linked to you. Medical history, disorders that run in the family, questions the children ask, etc. I will never ever regret how my children came to be mine, they were hand picked by God Himself for me!!! I just wish people would have more respect for others feelings! Children are a blessing, especially mine!
"....They must consider the needs of others. They must be kind and gentle toward all people." Titus 3:2

Lord, I'm desperate!!!!!

Journal entry June 22, 2004 "Every night before I go to bed I look over to the baby cradle, and how I long to see my baby sleeping there next to me. I am sad tonight because it is another night that I go to sleep with a piece of my heart missing. I am so worn down with emotion, it is consuming my every thought. I do not regret starting this process, but I am beginning to wonder if there is indeed light at the end of this tunnel. Right now I don't see it. I am trying to stay positive, but it is so hard...Lord I'm desperate!!!"
This was written 6 days before I held my baby boy for the very first time!!!! At the time it was written it felt like it would be an eternity before I would ever have a complete heart, and a complete home. At this point I had no idea what God had in store for us. I was beginning to question His grace, His time, and His promises! I had to push that all out of my mind, and rebuke the devil for trying to take my focus off of what the Lord wanted for me! Fast forward to 6 days later and my phone rang...it was time to meet our baby! We had no idea when to expect this call, and had no clue that we had been selected to be the proud parents of the most beautiful boy ever. BUT we also had been selected to be the proud parents tothe most gorgeous little girl God had ever created! We got the call that our sweet boy was ready to come home that night, and we would get pictures and information about our daughter also! What an awesome God we serve! We were blessed with not one but TWO babies! If someone had told me when I wrote this entry that I was going to have a son and a daughter all at once, I would have never believed them! God took my hurt, my desperation, and my broken, shattered heart and He took away the pain, gave me hope, and healed and restored my heart...all with one phone call! It was still a long and rough road until everything was final, but once again He was our guide, He was our shield, and our deliverer! Yes He was all of those things to us before,but I didn't really understand His grace until we went through all of this. Let the Lord guide you, seek His face, His timing, and it WILL all work out for His glory and honor! In the meantime we have to be desperate for what He has in store for us and where He wants to take us, and He WILL bless you in ways you only dreamed of!!!
"...My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness..."
2 Corinthians 12:9

My Journal

While we were going through the process of adoption, I started a journal. Some days I would simply write, some times I would write out prayers, and sometimes I would write to my baby. I just sat and read the journal and there were so many things that I had forgotten I wrote! Needless to say I am sitting here crying, having just read it all, man does it bring you back!!! The hardest part was to read some of the things I prayed for my child/children. What can I say other than God is good! I would like to share one of the many entries I made in my journal:
1-20-04 "it is early in the morning and I can already tell today won't be easy to get through. I want my baby with me so bad, sometimes I wonder how I am going to make it through the day. I have some good days but the horrible emptiness I have is there even on the good days. I don't think my heart will truly be complete until I bring my baby home to stay. Things have been going so smoothly that now that things are kind of 'on hold' until we get fingerprinted and get our fire inspection done. It's driving me NUTS wondering how and when it will all get done. I know that as soon as our baby comes home we will forget about all the hell it took to get them here. All this time I feel like this is my 'labor pains'. Sometimes all the confusion and uncertainty makes me wish my labor pains were like everyone elses. Atleast with physical pain you can take medication to dull the pain! Not with mine! The only thing that will make my pain go away is when I hold MY baby in my arms! It is amazing to me that I can love someone so much, yet I have never met them. I will never know what it is like to have my baby growing inside my body, but I do know what it feels like to have them grow in my heart."
There are things that I feel that I missed out on...but in the long run none of that "stuff" matters! Did I want to get pregnant, or did I want a family? I wanted a family! It still comes up though...hearing women talk about their labor, breastfeeding, how much their baby weighed at birth, what cravings they had, how they couldn't sleep the last 2 months of pregnancy, etc. Never once do they think about the women who longed for that and never got it! It is something that still creeps it's ugly head up every now and again. But I look at my babies and realize that none of that matters! All that matters is that we are a family, in every sense of the meaning!!!
"He gives the childless woman a household, making her the joyful mother of children. Hallelujah" Psalm 113:9

I just don't know.....

Sometimes that is all I can say...I just don't know anymore! As easy as it is to say, it's even harder to live! I don't know what to do, who to call for help, who CAN help, am I making the right decision, and so on and so on! It is an internal battle that seems to be a never ending cycle! It is such a helpless feeling, but there is peace, comfort and hope found in the Lord! I know that is easy to say and even harder to live, but it is true! I never knew that I could 100% lean on God, give it all to Him and say "here, You take this and do with it what you will, but help me to be ok in the meantime". He knows you, He knows your heart, He knows His plans for your life and He will make sure His plans come to be...BUT we have to be willing to surrender to Him, give Him our heart, trust Him (and I mean REALLY trust Him) and lean not on our own understanding! He created you, He knows...and He doesn't want you to hurt, He wants you to be the person He designed you to be. But we have to be willing to trust that His plan may not be our plan, but that His plan is PERFECT! There will be many days of 'I just don't know' ahead, but don't lose sight of Him! I used to pour myself into scripture, trying to find a verse to tell God (as if He didn't already know) to prove to Him and myself that I WOULD be a mother...there are SO many scriptures about it, so many that spoke to me in different ways, and SO many that God made tangible! In my haste to prove to God that His word does not come back void, I grew in ways I never could've imagined! My heart was broken, and I mean REALLY broken, and He picked up the pieces one by one, sliver by sliver and made it even more complete than it ever had been! Going through everything that we went through has brought me to a place where I can be thankful! It is so easy to let ourselves get in the "I don't know" dumps, but we have to lay it at His feet and let Him take the lead and we need to simply follow! He loves you, He will come through and stand true to His promises, but we have to be willing to let Him!
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. You will call to Me,come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and you will find me when you search for me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

What makes a family?

Lately I have been thinking about family, and the question that I think needs to be answered is what being a family truly means! Family is not based on DNA or genetics, rather it is based on relationships and bonds that can never be broken. Family is 100% unconditional love. Family is being strong through good times, bad times, and times that you aren't sure you will ever make it through. Going through infertility has really opened my eyes as to what the true meaning of family is. For years all I wanted was to get pregnant, and my every breath revolved around research, thermometers, charts, our "schedule", tests, new drugs, new doctors, and so on and so on. God was faithful through all of that, even when I would yell at Him when the stick showed a minus sign instead of the positive sign,I so desperately needed to see! The whole time He wanted me to trust Him, His will, His timing, and His plan...I was just too focused on what I wanted,to be receptive to how He wanted to bless me. Now I can't say that my plan had nothing to do with His plan, because had we not walked through this I wouldn't be the mother that I am. I am convinced that if I would have been able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat (like I wanted to) I would not cherish my children the way that I do. Yes I would love them and I still think I would be a good mom, but I don't think all the "insignificant" things in their lives would be so significant to me! Kind of like you don't know what you have until it's gone....same scenario here. I didn't know how special it would be to have a family and what a tremendous blessing it was, until I thought I would never have one! Again, God was faithful through all of my trials, all of my surgeries, all of the tests, etc...He never left my side! And looking back now I think that He was crying every time I shed a tear. He knew my heart, He knew my thoughts, and He didn't want me to be hurting so deeply! But He knew what was best, He knew what I truly needed, and He knew that His plan was perfect for me! His plan far exceeds any plans I had...His plan was PERFECT!!!! At the time I knew all of that in my head, and I knew it in my heart, but I was so focused on what I wanted that I couldn't turn this over to Him because I was terrified that it would mean that maybe His plan didn't include a family for me! One day I asked myself the question....what makes a family? And the answer that God gave me opened my eyes!!! "Do you want to get pregnant? Or do you want a family?" WOW! Blew my mind right out of the water!!! So many pregnancies don't ever produce a tangible family, been there, done that! But I realized that very moment (I can tell you where I was standing and what I was wearing when it hit me) that family has SO much more to do with people and not where they came from! My husband is the perfect example of this! What he came from has no bearing on who he is, how he lives, or choices he makes. I am so very thankful for how God can take such awful situations and use them for His glory and His plans! We just have to whole heartedly trust Him!
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4

Songs of Praise

About 9 years ago, it was very hard for me to walk through the doors of a church. At church people were happy, ready to worship, ready to recieve a message that would carry them throughout the week, and ready to offer our Lord songs of praise. I on the other hand didn't even want to go! I wanted to go because I knew I needed to, I wanted to worship and hear a message, but I didn't want to cry. I was tired of the pastors seeing the same prayer request each week, I was tired of having to leave the room during the second song, and I was tired of people, who had no clue, wondering why I was crying! Most of all I always left church feeling like I had nothing to be thankful for!!! I knew I had my family, friends, etc to be thankful for....but I would've given it all up if it meant I could have a baby! Through all of the emotion, I always seemed to muster up the strength to go each week. And I am so glad I did! Slowly but surely my heart began to change....and it changed in ways that I never could've even imagined! I started to look forward to church because it was almost like my retreat, my release, and where I could lay it all at His feet! I still cried, I still had to excuse myself during worship, but eventually it got to the point where I didn't have to leave. I could walk to the back of the room, or sit in the bathroom, cry and worship alone. Then I got to the point where I could stand next to my husband and worship with him. And one day it hit me....who was I to cry when I did have so much to be thankful for? I had a place I could worship freely, a safe place to live, health insurance that covered a lot of my infertility bills, and a God who loved me enough, that He gave up His SON to save ME!!! WOW!!!! What an amazing revelation I had that day! I had to get to a place in life where my whole focus was not on having a baby, or getting pregnant. I had to offer my life to Him, and sing songs of praise and allow Him to change me. He knew the plans He had for me, and let me just tell you, His plan was completely opposite of what I thought was best and what I wanted! BUT....His plan was PERFECT!!!! I was so blinded by what I wanted and by what I thought I needed, that I didn't allow Him the opportunity to work in my life! Over the course of several months I truly saw my heart change before I knew what hit me! All of a sudden I was praying for things like "You gave me these desires, You made me this way, and if what I desire is not in Your plan for me, then please make me ok with it"! The first time I prayed that, I meant every word of it, but it was SO hard to get the words out! I knew that God had designed me, He gave me the desires in my heart for a reason, but until I could praise Him, I would not be able to see what His plan was. Turns out, His plan was not my plan...big surprise huh?! But His plan is PERFECT!!! I can not say that enough, because I lived it! God had two very special, unique, wonderful kids already picked out for me!!! But if I had been allowed to have MY way, I would not have ever been blessed beyond measure with my two babies! I never thought I would be able to sing songs of praise and TRULY mean them again...it wasn't until I let go and let God!!! It may be the hardest thing I have ever done...surrender, but it was single handedly the best choice I have ever made! There is no way I would've gotten through all of this without Him!!!
"Then they believed His promises and sang His praise" Psalm 106:12

Why????

Why??? That is a question that plagues most of us, if not all of us at some point in life, but especially during infertility! I remember times that all I could do was lay in my bed and cry and ask "why"? Why me? Why does God gift children to people who abuse their children? Why doesn't He gift me a child? Why is this happening to me? Why why WHY????? If I had all the answers to those, and many more "why" questions, I would be a millionaire!!! I may never fully understand God's plans, His way of doing things, but one thing I know for sure is that in everything He does have a plan. And His plan is PERFECT! Pain is a part of life, we can thank Adam and Eve for that one! God has promised us peace, not a pain free life. Whether it be the physical pain of tests and procedures, emotional pain of waiting for the results of tests and procedures, or a pain in your heart that will never be soothed until you hold your baby in your arms for the first time! Pain is a part of life, but in Him we can have peace and comfort to get us through that pain. We all have the ability to choose...choose to accept the pain and know that God will use it for His plan and His glory somehow some way, or we can choose to work against the pain and fight every step of the way. Either way, God will have the final say so, His plan will come to pass. But I can tell you it will not be easy in the meantime! You will still face doubt, anger, resentment, pain, and the "why" questions will still creep up. But with the Lord guiding you, you will get through it victoriously!

"I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world" John 16:33