I must be guilty!

I have to be guilty of something, but I don't know what I did to deserve this?! How many times have you said that, or thought that? I know it was a thought that went through my head several times during the day. Most people have no idea what a toll infertility takes not only on your body, but your mind, your heart, your everything!!! I remember playing my life out day by day in my head and thinking that I must have done something to deserve this punishment. And then I would turn on the news and see a story where a child had been beaten, or found in a dumpster, or abandoned. And I would be heartbroken and furious with God all at the same time! Why would He bless those crazy people with a baby, but not me? I would never ever do anything like that. I would've loved that baby, cared for that baby and never let anyone hurt that baby. So why am I be punished? The reality is infertility is not a punishment for something we have done wrong. My infertility was caused by something that was totally out of my control. It wasn't my fault! But I didn't know that at the time, not until I had several operations that ended my ability to ever have a child grow inside me. But the cause for the surgeries had nothing to do with anything I had done. Honestly I was relieved, I wasn't guilty of anything!!!! God had His plans for my children designed the way He knew would be best for them. I always told myself that if I ever had children I would be the best mother ever. God has brought me to a place where I know He designed my kids, and the events leading up to our adoptions specifically for ME! Had it not been for the infertility I couldn't be the mother to my children that I am. I'm not perfect, but God chose me because I was perfect for my children! When you start feeling guilty, pray, read God's word, and call and talk to someone who has been there. When you finally get to your perfect child(ren) it will all make sense. I pray for all the women battling infertility frequently. It's not something that ever truly goes away, but good WILL come out of it! "Therefore, there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1