My Journal

While we were going through the process of adoption, I started a journal. Some days I would simply write, some times I would write out prayers, and sometimes I would write to my baby. I just sat and read the journal and there were so many things that I had forgotten I wrote! Needless to say I am sitting here crying, having just read it all, man does it bring you back!!! The hardest part was to read some of the things I prayed for my child/children. What can I say other than God is good! I would like to share one of the many entries I made in my journal:
1-20-04 "it is early in the morning and I can already tell today won't be easy to get through. I want my baby with me so bad, sometimes I wonder how I am going to make it through the day. I have some good days but the horrible emptiness I have is there even on the good days. I don't think my heart will truly be complete until I bring my baby home to stay. Things have been going so smoothly that now that things are kind of 'on hold' until we get fingerprinted and get our fire inspection done. It's driving me NUTS wondering how and when it will all get done. I know that as soon as our baby comes home we will forget about all the hell it took to get them here. All this time I feel like this is my 'labor pains'. Sometimes all the confusion and uncertainty makes me wish my labor pains were like everyone elses. Atleast with physical pain you can take medication to dull the pain! Not with mine! The only thing that will make my pain go away is when I hold MY baby in my arms! It is amazing to me that I can love someone so much, yet I have never met them. I will never know what it is like to have my baby growing inside my body, but I do know what it feels like to have them grow in my heart."
There are things that I feel that I missed out on...but in the long run none of that "stuff" matters! Did I want to get pregnant, or did I want a family? I wanted a family! It still comes up though...hearing women talk about their labor, breastfeeding, how much their baby weighed at birth, what cravings they had, how they couldn't sleep the last 2 months of pregnancy, etc. Never once do they think about the women who longed for that and never got it! It is something that still creeps it's ugly head up every now and again. But I look at my babies and realize that none of that matters! All that matters is that we are a family, in every sense of the meaning!!!
"He gives the childless woman a household, making her the joyful mother of children. Hallelujah" Psalm 113:9