Songs of Praise

About 9 years ago, it was very hard for me to walk through the doors of a church. At church people were happy, ready to worship, ready to recieve a message that would carry them throughout the week, and ready to offer our Lord songs of praise. I on the other hand didn't even want to go! I wanted to go because I knew I needed to, I wanted to worship and hear a message, but I didn't want to cry. I was tired of the pastors seeing the same prayer request each week, I was tired of having to leave the room during the second song, and I was tired of people, who had no clue, wondering why I was crying! Most of all I always left church feeling like I had nothing to be thankful for!!! I knew I had my family, friends, etc to be thankful for....but I would've given it all up if it meant I could have a baby! Through all of the emotion, I always seemed to muster up the strength to go each week. And I am so glad I did! Slowly but surely my heart began to change....and it changed in ways that I never could've even imagined! I started to look forward to church because it was almost like my retreat, my release, and where I could lay it all at His feet! I still cried, I still had to excuse myself during worship, but eventually it got to the point where I didn't have to leave. I could walk to the back of the room, or sit in the bathroom, cry and worship alone. Then I got to the point where I could stand next to my husband and worship with him. And one day it hit me....who was I to cry when I did have so much to be thankful for? I had a place I could worship freely, a safe place to live, health insurance that covered a lot of my infertility bills, and a God who loved me enough, that He gave up His SON to save ME!!! WOW!!!! What an amazing revelation I had that day! I had to get to a place in life where my whole focus was not on having a baby, or getting pregnant. I had to offer my life to Him, and sing songs of praise and allow Him to change me. He knew the plans He had for me, and let me just tell you, His plan was completely opposite of what I thought was best and what I wanted! BUT....His plan was PERFECT!!!! I was so blinded by what I wanted and by what I thought I needed, that I didn't allow Him the opportunity to work in my life! Over the course of several months I truly saw my heart change before I knew what hit me! All of a sudden I was praying for things like "You gave me these desires, You made me this way, and if what I desire is not in Your plan for me, then please make me ok with it"! The first time I prayed that, I meant every word of it, but it was SO hard to get the words out! I knew that God had designed me, He gave me the desires in my heart for a reason, but until I could praise Him, I would not be able to see what His plan was. Turns out, His plan was not my plan...big surprise huh?! But His plan is PERFECT!!! I can not say that enough, because I lived it! God had two very special, unique, wonderful kids already picked out for me!!! But if I had been allowed to have MY way, I would not have ever been blessed beyond measure with my two babies! I never thought I would be able to sing songs of praise and TRULY mean them again...it wasn't until I let go and let God!!! It may be the hardest thing I have ever done...surrender, but it was single handedly the best choice I have ever made! There is no way I would've gotten through all of this without Him!!!
"Then they believed His promises and sang His praise" Psalm 106:12